Fucked up again

Okay so I started eating super. Was feeling pretty confident. Things are really going to change I thought.  I finished and then continued to eat afterwards.  I didn't want to stop so I used chewing and spitting to prevent a binge eating.  I didn't starve myself today I just really felt empty and wanted to use the food to comfort me. It felt so good, but now I regret it. I broke the 3month thing and didn't even get through the first day.. It's so easy to slip up because it doesn't feel like I'm actually doing the action.  I need to somehow make me feel responsible for what I am doing.

I didn't set up a sketch pad beside me or do any exercise today. So now I am taking out a sketch pad and am going to carry it around with me where ever I go.

I really don't like myself right now and if I don't see any progress in a month from now I'm going to seek a psychiatrist. Either that or move to a third world country where I cannot do this anymore  because I need the food to live.  When I get through my first week without chewing and spitting I'm going to donate the money I saved by not chewing and spitting to a charity.  Probably to help save starving children or something.

Stomach Acid

I found this site that talks about my habit.  It states that it is an eating disorder and I agree with the reasoning that they provide.  This the link to the web page   www.assiciatedciatedcontent.com/. 

I found an interesting part that explains a bit about the state of my gums.  When I go to the dentists they say that acid is causing erosion on my gums and teeth.  I was confused because I don't puke up food, and don't get acid reflux problems.  In the above web page they explain how when you think or taste food your body created more acid in your stomach to be ready for that food your supposed to be eating.  This must be were that acid erosion is coming from. Yep so just one more reason to quit this habit or disorder for good. I'm psyched.  This shits going to stop right here, right now! Take that motha f**ka. (Sorry I'm listening to a song with a potty mouthed vocalist) 

Strategies

I found online that I can use the following things to help with the mission.

Make a Plan: Quiting cold turkey. No ifs, buts or excuses. After 3 months I'll be free.

Change your Environment: set food I'm okay with eating a lot of in front of me (ie. nuts, fruit, veggies) always have a sketch pad near by and when ever on the computer open a window to this blog.

Enlist Help: Call someone, write on the blog

Avoid Triggers: Don't be alone (I'd never chew and spit in front of anyone), I get nervous if I didn't do anything I needed to get done in a day so I'm making an achievements box to remind myself I did do something, practice saying positive things to myself

Find a Substitute: Play piano, sketch, sing, bite lip, pick self with pin, mold something out of clay, dance, pet dog, write, paint, sleep, hump a pillow, go for a walk, and close eyes and dream

Understand There Will Be Relapses: This one I like the least but if it's bound to happen and is just part of the process I'll accept this and use what happens to learn from and figure out what can be done to avoid having that happen again. In quite smoking groups they say "Relapse is part of the process"

So far it's been a few hours and I'm eating, avoiding all other important things that I need to be doing and drinking tea.  Maybe the first day is just as hard as the 30th day. I'm going to make it to 10pm tonight.

What this is all about

I have a bad habit of chewing food and spitting it out.  I'm 23 years old and have been doing this since I was 17 years old. It began with anorexia.

When I was 13-15 years old I was a super sensitive shy girl.  I didn't make friends because I felt every word that cam out of my mouth felt awkward and uncomfortable to formulate.  I had troubles in school because reading and writing is not my forte so I also became obsessed with reading at the same level as everyone else.  I felt really isolated but I didn't know how to change things.

At 16 years I had friends again. I couldn't believe it.  Like too good to be true. I actually felt cool.  Something I hadn't felt for years.  My new friends where always talking about loosing weight and I loved anime, which is packed full of stick like characters. I felt self destruction was something I could fantasize about. I wanted to be like my friends and like those anime charactes. I wasn't fat or even regular weight, I was slim.  I didn't want to develop breasts and found out as I was researching how to become skinnier that you could loose your period if you stop eating.  This really appealed to me.  It seamed like going anorexic was everything I could ever want.  On top of things I wanted to be less like my mom (whom I look a lot like and is sensitive to things as well) and being a teen wanted to rebel in every way I knew how.  Were other parents didn't seam to care if they go out without having breakfast.  My mom would run outside in her bathrobe with a sandwich for me if I didn't have breakfast.  I new she wanted me to be healthy and therefor I didn't care about being healthy.  

And so I became anorexic.  In attempt to hide not eating I would bring supers with me to my room so I could "do my homework while eating".  Solid food needs to go somewhere and if you chew it and spit it out it goes down the sink better.  When I got really hungry it would also help calm my nerves to just feel the food in my mouth.  The plan was to see just how skinny I can get and then go back to the normal way of life. Unfortunately I did not know how hard it is to shift my goals.  Once I was hospitalized. I loved the feeling of being so week and the I.V. felt awesome.  I started to fear loosing brain cells and actually dying, but I became extremely proud and comfortable with the shape my body took now that I had been starving myself.  I was afraid of fleshy parts.  If I gained a bit I would look at my body without a mirror in all it's glorious foreshortened view and look at this and that as if under a magnifying glass.  I've had a lot of relapses of anorexia and once bulimia in my recovery.  Now I am confident to say that I am not too skinny and not comfortable with being too skinny anymore.  I am back to being my regular just thin.  I am 5.2" and 160 pounds.  

The only thing is that when ever I am nervous about something and I am alone I turn to food to feel better( I am often nervous and alone). I know that I can really just get caught up in an emotion and forget what I am actually doing so I don't trust that I will stop eating until the bag of cookies are finished.  To solve the problem I still chew and spit.  So the issue it I turn to food for comfort and therefore have developed a bad habit that is both expensive and harmful to my teeth and gums.  I am also very embarrassed that I do this.  

This is my pledge to stop the habit.  In quit smoking groups they say you need to quite cold turkey for three months for the habit to be gone. I have tried several times before and only every get as far as one month.  I am trying this again starting today and in order to keep me on track I have created this blog.  If you feel like giving me any tips or feedback feel free to add it . I'm sure I could use all the help I can get with this.

~cheers

sqwigily sqwooch