What this is all about

I have a bad habit of chewing food and spitting it out.  I'm 23 years old and have been doing this since I was 17 years old. It began with anorexia.

When I was 13-15 years old I was a super sensitive shy girl.  I didn't make friends because I felt every word that cam out of my mouth felt awkward and uncomfortable to formulate.  I had troubles in school because reading and writing is not my forte so I also became obsessed with reading at the same level as everyone else.  I felt really isolated but I didn't know how to change things.

At 16 years I had friends again. I couldn't believe it.  Like too good to be true. I actually felt cool.  Something I hadn't felt for years.  My new friends where always talking about loosing weight and I loved anime, which is packed full of stick like characters. I felt self destruction was something I could fantasize about. I wanted to be like my friends and like those anime charactes. I wasn't fat or even regular weight, I was slim.  I didn't want to develop breasts and found out as I was researching how to become skinnier that you could loose your period if you stop eating.  This really appealed to me.  It seamed like going anorexic was everything I could ever want.  On top of things I wanted to be less like my mom (whom I look a lot like and is sensitive to things as well) and being a teen wanted to rebel in every way I knew how.  Were other parents didn't seam to care if they go out without having breakfast.  My mom would run outside in her bathrobe with a sandwich for me if I didn't have breakfast.  I new she wanted me to be healthy and therefor I didn't care about being healthy.  

And so I became anorexic.  In attempt to hide not eating I would bring supers with me to my room so I could "do my homework while eating".  Solid food needs to go somewhere and if you chew it and spit it out it goes down the sink better.  When I got really hungry it would also help calm my nerves to just feel the food in my mouth.  The plan was to see just how skinny I can get and then go back to the normal way of life. Unfortunately I did not know how hard it is to shift my goals.  Once I was hospitalized. I loved the feeling of being so week and the I.V. felt awesome.  I started to fear loosing brain cells and actually dying, but I became extremely proud and comfortable with the shape my body took now that I had been starving myself.  I was afraid of fleshy parts.  If I gained a bit I would look at my body without a mirror in all it's glorious foreshortened view and look at this and that as if under a magnifying glass.  I've had a lot of relapses of anorexia and once bulimia in my recovery.  Now I am confident to say that I am not too skinny and not comfortable with being too skinny anymore.  I am back to being my regular just thin.  I am 5.2" and 160 pounds.  

The only thing is that when ever I am nervous about something and I am alone I turn to food to feel better( I am often nervous and alone). I know that I can really just get caught up in an emotion and forget what I am actually doing so I don't trust that I will stop eating until the bag of cookies are finished.  To solve the problem I still chew and spit.  So the issue it I turn to food for comfort and therefore have developed a bad habit that is both expensive and harmful to my teeth and gums.  I am also very embarrassed that I do this.  

This is my pledge to stop the habit.  In quit smoking groups they say you need to quite cold turkey for three months for the habit to be gone. I have tried several times before and only every get as far as one month.  I am trying this again starting today and in order to keep me on track I have created this blog.  If you feel like giving me any tips or feedback feel free to add it . I'm sure I could use all the help I can get with this.

~cheers

sqwigily sqwooch